The Jazz Butcher
The Jazz Butcher Lyrics Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present

Lyrics

Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present
Let's go, let's go... One, Two, Three, Four....
ESTER!
Burke and Hare!
ESTER, I'm coming for you, ESTER, ESTER.
SAUSAGES! SAUSAGES! ESTER! ESTER! SAUSAGES!
We're gonna tell you something really big (ESTER!)
Like the Alice Cooper Group.
ESTER! Alice Cooper, baby! Alice Cooper!
Uh-uhrrrmm... Like the Alice Cooper Group.
Do you wanna touch me? DEAD BABIES!

See, there's been some big, big things, and some are bigger than others,
And when one might get up and go out of the room, he gets replaced with another.
Now some of these are monsters, the kind that live in the lakes (WHEURRRR!)
And other kinds are like Metal Men, and other kinds are BIG SNAKES.
But they don't look like nothing, they don't look like nothing at all.
They don't look like nothing when you put them up against Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present.
That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
Did ya get that, Joe? (CRAZY!) ESTER, I'M WAITING...
Ner! Ner! Ner!
SAUSAGES! Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present was made entirely from the skins of dead Jim Morrisons (Scattered over dawn's bleeding highway, I suppose...): that's why it smelled so bad.
Caroline Wheeler checked into the lobby of the Bruce Grobelaar Leisure Centre

Liverpool and Zimbabwe goalkeeper of the 1980's
(they check in, but they don't check out) - she was looking for a room where she could sit down and get herself back in order (ORDER!)...
SHEESH!, thought Caroline, What the HELL was that? (Edgar Wallace!)
So she goes to the elevator, she thinks "Well, that'll be pretty straightforward" (Yes, STRAIGHT UP, Caroline...) You know what she finds?
The elevator breaks down with Caroline and the fish in it.
(Fish?) (Uh-oh...)
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator?
You don't? (Uncontrollable Celtic whooping from Jones)
Well, here's a clue: fish is biodegradable. (THAT MEANS IT ROTS.)
Ner! Ner! Ner!

Well, there's some big, big things and they travel in big, big cars:
Cars like a Mercedes with a big tow-bar (WHERE'S ESTER?)
But there ain't no vehicle big enough,
They just ain't built the vehicle big enough yet to hold the thing that men call Caroline Wheeler's Birthday Present (caroline wheeler's birthday present)
That's: CAROLINE WHEELER'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT.
(Heck! Here comes the Hell Drivers!)
(Vroom!)
(OUCH!)

Found On

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Glass Records 7er
A Scandal In Bohemia
The Albatross. A record, I feel, of its time. We were young(ish) and cocky and I think it shows. I still haven't learned to sing on this one, which bugs me too. Still, it was cheap and cheerful, and it helped us to meet an awful lot of people.
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Glass Records
Bloody Nonsense
The Jazz Butcher and his group are not in the business of belonging; they are too old and too obstreperous to conform to some attention-seeking image or commercially viable formula. Rather, they bring their not inconsiderable talents to bear on whatever happens to be in the way at the time. The results can only be described as essential.
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BigTime
Draining The Glass
Glass Records era compilation.
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Fire Records
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ROIR CD
Cake City
Glass-era compilation.
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Vinyl Japan
The Wasted Years
Featuring ‘Bath Of Bacon’, ‘A Scandal In Bohemia’, ‘Sex And Travel’ and ‘Distressed Gentlefolk’.
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( thejazzbutcher.bandcamp.com )
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Fire Records 4xCD
Dr Cholmondley Repents: A​-​sides, B​-​Sides and Seasides
Four CD box set gathering A-sides, the would-be hits along with B-sides, tangential 12-inch tracks (the C-sides), and an excellent session for Los Angeles radio station KCRW from 1989.

Includes over a dozen indie chart hits including ‘Southern Mark Smith’, ‘Girl Go’, ‘The Human Jungle’, ‘16 Years’ plus a host of truly eclectic Butcher tunes from his early Glass recordings through his time at Creation.

Purchase Now
( thejazzbutcher.bandcamp.com )
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Fire Records 4xCD

Pat Says

The Butcher Says..
Do you know what happens if you leave a fish too long in an elevator? Educations. Source: A Scandal In Bohemia liner notes

Live Stats

82 documented performances (click to explore)
1984 1 (JBC)
1985 8 (JBC)
1986 2 (JBC)
1987 3
1 (Pat Solo)
2 (JBC)
1988 9 (JBC)
1989 7 (JBC)
1990 13 (JBC)
1993 2 (JBC)
1994 3 (JBC)
1997 1 (JBC)
1998 1 (JBC)
1999 5 (JBC)
2000 14 (JBC)
2001 3 (JBC)
2002 2 (JBC)
2003 1 (Pat Solo)
2005 3
1 (Pat Solo)
2 (JBC)
2009 2 (JBC)
2011 1 (Pat Solo)
2021 1 (Pat Solo)

Media

1 Recorded Live Performances
1988-06-12 Odd Rock Cafe - Milwaukee, USA
Credit: Douglas Buege