FROM THE SPORTS DESK OF THE WIGMORE SOCIETY (founded 1982)
DROP A TOWELHEAD - WIN A PICK-UP TRUCK!

Orca, a small plastic whale who joined the JBC in December 1989 after a brief and unsatisfying career in a store called "HIPPOCAMPUS" on Sunset Strip in Hollywood, has lost his voice. Laurence O'Keefe , a performing loony and professional word-nigger ("I JUST WANT A FUCKING CHEESE SANDWHICH, YOU CANUCK CUNT!!!") played the bass for TERRY "I AM NOT SYD BARRETT, I AM A GRAPEFRUIT" BICKERS on a disturbing night in North London when Big Bazz (the The Blue Aeroplanes soundman) brought his wall of noise to very small basement room where I came face to face with the contradictions of the modern Italian psyche. He has subsequently been taken in by the kindly staff of the Peter Astor Home for the Persistently Tardy and plans to make a life for himself in the cut-and thrust world of antique dealing. Mmmm. The JBC is in the same kind of suspension, Streaky was caught with his aquiline fingers where they never should have been, Paul and I last saw each other in Bath, next time it will be Los Angeles. MOAN INCESSANTLY - WIN A TEN DAY EXPENSES-PAID TRIP TO LOS ANGELES.

...The world would show nothing to me,
So what good would living do me?
(I BELIEVE YOU, MISTER WILSON)

Reports coming in say the the new JBC album is half written, threatens to be like a cross between Pet Sounds and Playing With Fire, and will have sixteen guitarists on it. Cultural censorship is, we suspect, being employed as a smokescreen to mask the fact that the authorities have no idea exactly what's going to happen here next. We do, however, have it on reliable authority that a song called The John Coutts Dreamgirl makes reference to one C. Manson, dangerous California loony and neighbour of... well, cultural censorship forbids. Besides, the author's off his fuckin chump.

OUR TRAVEL CORRESPONDENT ADDS:

Plans are afoot to mount a traumatising solo/due show for American consumption, in order to test morale on the home front. Those who survive the projected atrocities will be deemed suitable to act in the defence of domestic feudalism, fire and theft wherever the hand of Justice may be required. Thank you. God bless Transvision Vamp, Steve Wynn and this small piece of fluff from the pockets of a celebrated network newsreader. More details as and when they come up.

and now a word from our arts correspondent, Catriona Fitzelegantly.

ON EST SUPERCOOL
ON EST SUPER-RELAXE
ON EST SUPER AVEC VOUS
CE N'EST PAS GRAVE!
NO SEX TONIGHT!

right. Thanks, Cat. Take it easy, love...

MAIS JE T'AIME - C'EST INCROYABLE

the story so far

Karel Von Dämmerung, a not so young Czech emigre living in a seedy district of Vienna with his two disgusting brothers, Otto and Emil, is mortified to discover that his lover, an American arts journalist with a peculiar name, has stripped his large and dirty flat of his every possession during the night. Further, he discovers that he is the recipient of persistent and - he suspects - malicious crank phone calls from an unidentified source. Hung-ever, unshaven and newly charged to the gunnels with high grade Hungarian amphetimine, Karel resolves to track down his lover and wreck hideous revenge. Now read on...

"SHIT," said Karel.

NEWS FLASH...NEWSFLASH..NEWS FLASH...NEWSFLASH....NEWSFLASH...

Camel rides at London's Regent's Park zoo have been withdrawn from the duration of hostilities. It is felt that contact with the desert beasts might traumatise the infants of brave lads in the Gulf.

BBC Radio has drawn up a list of tunes deemed "unsuitable" during the current situation. Blacklisted waxings include Another One Bites The Dust by Queen and Walk Like An Egyptian by The Bangles.

"Schwarzkopf" is German for "Blackhead".

Little Sister by The Perfect Disaster is still the finest record of recent times.

The Cultural Censor's office tenders the above information as being certified 75% true.

FROM THE CULTURAL ZOOLOGICAL CONCERNS DESK: Little Jake, a small but perfectly formed moggy of Shakespeare Road, Northampton, finds typewriters DEAD INTERSTING.